I'm alive!

I'm figuring out that I really suck at these unless I put my mind to actually posting on a regular basis...novel concept...I will do better.

How's life you ask? Busy! So many things going on right now. So much hurt around me. So little I can do to help. I am frustrated to say the least.

Work is great! I still love my job and feel fairly confident that I am doing it well. Lately, I have been feeling like I can do more with myself. I know that's hard to explain...and it's actually quite hard for me to decipher right now, but I'm working on it with His help. I love social work but am starting to feel a strong pull toward the field of nursing. I am also a bit frustrated because I just spent $20 grand on a social work degree & licence that I will begin paying off Jan 1st. I have decided to try my hand at an Anatomy and Physiology class at JCCC this spring and I guess will take it from there? I have no idea where all of this came from but am frustrated 'cause God likes to throw my world upside down, especially when I feel like I am in control. A subtle reminder, I suppose. I have always loved the idea behind nursing but hate the idea of having to stick people...most of you know I have a serious destaine for being stuck myself...enough that I still have not gotten my TB test for work that was supposed to be done in August...oops.

To top it all off, during these hard economic times, Brian will be going back to school full time to finish his engineering degree. He has an estimated 2-3 years left...which makes me the bread winner for our humble family. I totally trust God on this one. To have Brian give up his full time job to go to school was a big stress on both of us, but God provided me with a good job that fits our needs. Unfortunately, Brian will have to still work part time, but I am trusting God on this one. My salary pays the bills...and that's really about it, lol! His job is going to pay for food...mmm food! I am really trying to be optimistic about this one and not let my planning nature get the best of me. (for those of you who don't know, ask me sometime about my life from age 11-18 and you will get a better sense of why I am so anal about finances and planning ahead).

AND :) We are going with Ben and Sarah Stears to help them plant a new church in Gardner! This is an issue that God placed on Brian and I's hearts like none other. I know God has great things in store for the Stears family and for this new plant and we are honored to have been called to be apart of it! More on this one soon to come!

One last thing. On top of all other prayer requests that are woven in here, I ask this one take priority. My mom and I have been talking for the past two weeks about job security and she is petrified she is going to loose her job soon due to the economy. She works as a corporate travel agent and has seniority within her agency (she has survived job cuts before, there is only one other person from her agency cuts a few years ago left!) and is the highest paid agent in the office with the highest efficiency level. Sounds safe right? Her fear is that she will be let go because she makes the most in the office. Only time will tell, but could you please pray for optimism and for her to trust God on this one? I know I am. I would also appreciate if these prayers be kept in confidence.

Thanks for listening and for prayers :) Glad you came back. I will do better blogging, I promise!

Vote!

This election is huge. Nothing more to say about it, really, because everyone else knows what I do. I find myself sitting and praying tonight about what's to come tomorrow. I know who I want to win, but that is not really my concern tonight. Tonight I pray for safety. Safety for those voting tomorrow and for the candidates. Working in the city really helps open my eyes to changing situations and, whether you want to hear it (or even notice), racism is alive and well within our city limits. I have talked to nearly half a dozen coworkers today and last week and my heart breaks for their families because they are afraid to vote. Carla, my prevention buddy :),  told me her mother was trying to advance vote on Friday when a car full of men screaming "N****** go home cause we're comin' back shootin!" sped past. Stuff like this makes my heart break.

Pray for safety tomorrow & please go out and exercise your God given right to vote!

Violated

There were other things I was going to talk about tonight but I needed to share. Our neighbors (BOTH apartments below us) were robbed today. One word, SCARY! Doors were broken via crowbar and material possessions lost but thankfully no one injured. Even though no one got into our home, they tried (there are scratches on our door). I really think hearing our small dog (who actually sounds really big) barking helped. Thank-you, Corkey! The neighbors across the hall, I think, were equally as lucky (they have a boxer and a boxer puppy). I really believe these people will be back. I am not worried about our material possessions, nor am I really worried someone would hurt us, I just feel violated right now. Not something you think about all the time when you live in JOCO. A sign of the times I suppose. 

Please pray for our neighbors as they go through this difficult time. One neighbor, a young woman in her early 20's at most, is so distraught she doesn't want to sleep in her apartment now since she lives alone. She came home and part of her door was actually missing. :(

Day Five. Home stretch!

SO much going on right now. GOD IS AWESOME!! :) I will write more tomorrow...I am sorry to say that I will be giving into weakness and having a smoothie (free coupon!) for breakfast. My body needs Vitamin C!!!

While I am sad I did not complete the full 7 days, I am proud of myself for at least the 5 and I feel guidance that this is the right path to choose!

Dreaming of deliciousness... :) 

Meals:

• Breakfast: Oatmeal 1/2C $.08
• Lunch: PB&J $.36, Orange $.11
• Snack: Popcorn $.07
• Dinner: $.38

Total: $1

Day four. Perseverance.

How I think my stomach feels...click and see ;) 

John 10...all I can really say is BAAAHH! :) I am Your sheep, Lord. Thank you for being my Shepherd. Sorry for wondering, as many of your sheep tend to do. Thank You for knowing me and for accepting me, flaws and all. Lord, as tomorrow closes our challenge, I pray that I could hear your voice clearly. That I would honor you and I ask that the things I share about this experience would be things You have asked me to share.

I have not given up. I really asked God what to do and I feel encouraged today and even a little better. I am starting to get used to this (finally)! My body is so used to being taken care of and I think I am upsetting it! I believe I have come to a happy medium. I will finish my challenge after five days. One week may be asking too much. That's my own body's weakness. I am still feeling drained but I have a renewed sense of encouragement. Thank you for all of your prayers. I cannot express how much they mean to me! I am still processing some good stuff..I may have to talk it out in person because my thoughts are all over the place right now. I think part of that may just be that I have been under nourished these few days. I have found that my thoughts are more clouded during this period which is difficult for me, as I am usually very articulate.

I have really become aware of how truly wasteful I am. I have discovered a few things that have been hiding in my fridge (as I open it and stare at all the food I cannot "afford") that I had forgotten were in there. As I turned on the garbage disposal to rid my fridge of old taco meat, old beans, and wild rice made a week ago I began to think about what I was doing. My body was crying out for food, and here I was throwing once perfectly good food away. I would have never thought twice a week ago about doing this. Yes, I am always sad to waste food...but oh my gosh. I then examined my pantry and began really looking at the items that have not moved in months ( I know you have some of those too) and I began to think of how good they looked. All I could say was "WOW". 

There are so many things I take for granted. There area so many blessings the Lord has bestowed and entrusted to me that I know I have just tossed on the shelf and forgotten about. There are a few things that God has really made strong in me, and a few of those have made the shelf list. My prayer, Lord, is that you would show me what I have carelessly tossed to the shelf. Please, Lord, help me not waste the beautiful gifts and talents You have blessed me with. I want to clean out the shelves and toss those old behaviors and habits that are not from You. Please, help me clear the junk and digest the good stuff you made for me. My body needs the nourishment only You can give. 

Meals:

• Breakfast: Oatmeal 1/2C $.08, Hot Coco $.11
• Lunch: Fluffer nutter sandwich $.32
• Snack: 1/2C popcorn $.07, 1 Tortilla $.08, KFC honey=Free (odd snack...hunger is a vicious beast! I ate what I could afford and sounded great...I now realize this sounds gross...but it was AMAZING!)
• Dinner: Ramen $.17 ( I did not have the intention of eating Ramen again but I needed something cheap so that I could afford my Orange. I needed the vitamin C) Saltines 5 $.04
• Dessert: Orange (small) .$12

TOTAL: $.99

Day three. Failure?

I feel terrible today. My body is even more exhausted than it has been and my head is pounding. I am not sure if my body is getting sick but I do not feel well. I cannot imagine how someone who ate like this all the time would feel or could feel like this on a regular basis. I think I will have to throw in the towel after today, as I became faint earlier this afternoon and was forced to eat a $.25 bag of chips. 

I feel even worse when I consider failure. I really believe this was a challenge for me to complete and cannot express how sad I am that I am unsure if I should complete the full 7 days. I have lost 4lbs since Sunday and Brian has expressed a little concern for my physical well being. I am really going to meditate on this one tonight. I need to distinguish my voice from His.

I cannot really remember the things I wanted to say here tonight and am going to bed early. It seems like all my body wants to do is sleep! 

Meals-

• Breakfast: Oatmeal 1/2C $.08, hot coco $.11
• Lunch: Fluffer nutter sandwich $.32, carrots (4 baby carrots) .$10
• Snack: Bag of chips (un-avoidable) $.25
• Dinner: Ramen $.17, Koolaid 8oz $.16 (needed to boost my blood sugar) 

Due to the bag of chips (their face value anyway) I went over today. $1.19

Day two. Weakness

"I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8:12

I love that verse. One of my faves. Today was tough on multiple levels. My body is physically and emotionally exhausted. On top of not eating well, I had to let yet another person know they are now HIV+. It has been happening more and more recently at the clinic and I cannot tell you how much my heart and spirit breaks for them when I am delivering the news. I wish I would never have to give people the news. I wish there were no virus to speak of. I think one of the hardest things for me is when people look at me and ask why they are being punished..or when there is that question "where was God in all of this?" I don't know the answer. It's hard for me to test people who are high risk (meaning they do everything under the sun including exposing themselves to the virus) but never test positive and then today have a client come in and tell me they were in to be tested for the first time (the client was 57 years old) because their partner was unfaithful. Happens all the time. All I can do is pray for them. I want to do more.

Today I felt extremely fatigued and have been sporting a small headache. It was difficult getting out of bed. I was painfully aware that I was hungry. I believe my body is starting to slow down because I have not given it the proper nutrition. Don't worry, I am monitoring my weight and taking a multi-vitamin while my diet is lacking. I have been thinking and worrying a little bit that I will  not be able to complete the entire week. I know I have another meeting tomorrow afternoon that has provided lunch. I am seriously considering eating! I abstained today during the potluck lunch with much will power. Dessert was ALL over the table in front of me and I think a few of my coworkers thought I had an eating disorder, since all I ate was a fluffer nutter sandwich. I caved and ate an oatmeal bar and 1/4 of a brownie. I needed the sugar. I was shaky! 

I was praising God despite my hunger and fatigue. I am SO blessed. To live day to day like this, I could never imagine.

Meals-

• Breakfast: 1/2C plain oatmeal $.06 (note to self: cook on stove not in microwave. Oatmeal in the microwave has a certain gelatin quality...gross but I ate it!)
• Lunch: Fluffer Nutter Sandwich $.32, homemade oatmeal bar $.04, 1/4 square of brownie $.10, turnover (cherry Pillsbury) $.15
• Dinner: 3 bean and rice burritos .$38
• Total: $.99