Honest Emotion

Currently, I am working through a book called "Feel" by Matthew Elliott. Essentially, the book addresses the emotional side of the Christian faith and how often we suppress it. Here's an exerp that I'm currently meditating on:

"For years we've been taught by our culture and in our churches that emotions are not to be trusted; that reason and knowledge and logic are the firm foundation on which to build our faith and our spiritual lives; that it's our attitudes and actions that matter, not how we feel about things...

...we have made our relationships with God more about fulfilling our duty than expressing our passion. We make our spiritual lives into a list of do's and don'ts. We pursue this list more than we actually pursue Jesus. And this leads us to a life that eventually becomes tired and numb, devoid of feeling, dead."

I'm not sure how you this spoke to you, but it hit me like a truck. To be completely honest with you, these past few months I have felt like I am just going through the motions. Reading my bible, praying, etc...but I know something is missing...sometimes I just feel lost and disconnected. Somewhere along the line I have lost sight of who I am and who God made me to be. So often I get caught up in the motions of life and the lies of life that I forget the things that are really important to me. Is that odd?  

Things that make my heart beat faster: 

Sharing God's love EVERY SINGLE DAY at work and with complete strangers. Whether that's helping an addict from sticking them self with a dull, rusty needle, or talking to someone who just found out they are HIV+, or talking with agnostic coworkers about how not all Christians are judgmental...

Missions. God has set a FIRE in my soul for missions. I wish I could put into words how I feel when someone presents a new trip opportunity or talks about a trip they have just returned from (I wish I could go everywhere!) or even presents me with the opportunity to plan a trip! (Thanks, Ben!) Missions energize my soul.

Students. I want each and every student to know how much they are loved through my actions. I remember what it felt like to be lost and alone and unloved/cared for by a parent. I have lost numerous friends to suicide and even battled with thoughts as a teenager and I absolutely refuse to loose anymore. God brought me through more than I thought I could survive as a teenager and am just now starting to see why. People are cruel but I want to let the students see that not everyone out there is perfect, that we all fall short of the glory of God, but that doesn't make us failures in His eyes. I want them to live the life Jesus died to give them the way He intended them to! 

Working with and loving on people going through addiction and other difficult trials. This one is newer...stay tuned because I'm still trying to figure this one out. I think it potentially came from growing up around my father's addictions...

My family and friends. (Especially my hubby!) You all encourage and inspire me. Thank you.

I have always known I am an emotional person. You are looking at the kid that cried every time her fish died...so mom took away the fish 'cause 10 fish dying in 2 weeks was too much for me. ( I cried myself to sleep every night...seriously sobbing...lol) Compassion and empathy are two things I have been told I am very good at. It may be hard to believe, but I promise it's true, when I see someone hurting or suffering, I hurt too. Sometimes I really hate this trait, but lately I have come to see it in a new light. It's a gift from God that not everyone possesses. Not sure how to use it yet...but I am going to refocus. The things that make my heart beat faster are my passions...those things that make me feel incredibly alive and close to God. Those are the things I need to refocus on because they make me who I am!

Thoughts on the post? What makes your heart beat faster?

I'm alive!

I'm figuring out that I really suck at these unless I put my mind to actually posting on a regular basis...novel concept...I will do better.

How's life you ask? Busy! So many things going on right now. So much hurt around me. So little I can do to help. I am frustrated to say the least.

Work is great! I still love my job and feel fairly confident that I am doing it well. Lately, I have been feeling like I can do more with myself. I know that's hard to explain...and it's actually quite hard for me to decipher right now, but I'm working on it with His help. I love social work but am starting to feel a strong pull toward the field of nursing. I am also a bit frustrated because I just spent $20 grand on a social work degree & licence that I will begin paying off Jan 1st. I have decided to try my hand at an Anatomy and Physiology class at JCCC this spring and I guess will take it from there? I have no idea where all of this came from but am frustrated 'cause God likes to throw my world upside down, especially when I feel like I am in control. A subtle reminder, I suppose. I have always loved the idea behind nursing but hate the idea of having to stick people...most of you know I have a serious destaine for being stuck myself...enough that I still have not gotten my TB test for work that was supposed to be done in August...oops.

To top it all off, during these hard economic times, Brian will be going back to school full time to finish his engineering degree. He has an estimated 2-3 years left...which makes me the bread winner for our humble family. I totally trust God on this one. To have Brian give up his full time job to go to school was a big stress on both of us, but God provided me with a good job that fits our needs. Unfortunately, Brian will have to still work part time, but I am trusting God on this one. My salary pays the bills...and that's really about it, lol! His job is going to pay for food...mmm food! I am really trying to be optimistic about this one and not let my planning nature get the best of me. (for those of you who don't know, ask me sometime about my life from age 11-18 and you will get a better sense of why I am so anal about finances and planning ahead).

AND :) We are going with Ben and Sarah Stears to help them plant a new church in Gardner! This is an issue that God placed on Brian and I's hearts like none other. I know God has great things in store for the Stears family and for this new plant and we are honored to have been called to be apart of it! More on this one soon to come!

One last thing. On top of all other prayer requests that are woven in here, I ask this one take priority. My mom and I have been talking for the past two weeks about job security and she is petrified she is going to loose her job soon due to the economy. She works as a corporate travel agent and has seniority within her agency (she has survived job cuts before, there is only one other person from her agency cuts a few years ago left!) and is the highest paid agent in the office with the highest efficiency level. Sounds safe right? Her fear is that she will be let go because she makes the most in the office. Only time will tell, but could you please pray for optimism and for her to trust God on this one? I know I am. I would also appreciate if these prayers be kept in confidence.

Thanks for listening and for prayers :) Glad you came back. I will do better blogging, I promise!