Honest Emotion

Currently, I am working through a book called "Feel" by Matthew Elliott. Essentially, the book addresses the emotional side of the Christian faith and how often we suppress it. Here's an exerp that I'm currently meditating on:

"For years we've been taught by our culture and in our churches that emotions are not to be trusted; that reason and knowledge and logic are the firm foundation on which to build our faith and our spiritual lives; that it's our attitudes and actions that matter, not how we feel about things...

...we have made our relationships with God more about fulfilling our duty than expressing our passion. We make our spiritual lives into a list of do's and don'ts. We pursue this list more than we actually pursue Jesus. And this leads us to a life that eventually becomes tired and numb, devoid of feeling, dead."

I'm not sure how you this spoke to you, but it hit me like a truck. To be completely honest with you, these past few months I have felt like I am just going through the motions. Reading my bible, praying, etc...but I know something is missing...sometimes I just feel lost and disconnected. Somewhere along the line I have lost sight of who I am and who God made me to be. So often I get caught up in the motions of life and the lies of life that I forget the things that are really important to me. Is that odd?  

Things that make my heart beat faster: 

Sharing God's love EVERY SINGLE DAY at work and with complete strangers. Whether that's helping an addict from sticking them self with a dull, rusty needle, or talking to someone who just found out they are HIV+, or talking with agnostic coworkers about how not all Christians are judgmental...

Missions. God has set a FIRE in my soul for missions. I wish I could put into words how I feel when someone presents a new trip opportunity or talks about a trip they have just returned from (I wish I could go everywhere!) or even presents me with the opportunity to plan a trip! (Thanks, Ben!) Missions energize my soul.

Students. I want each and every student to know how much they are loved through my actions. I remember what it felt like to be lost and alone and unloved/cared for by a parent. I have lost numerous friends to suicide and even battled with thoughts as a teenager and I absolutely refuse to loose anymore. God brought me through more than I thought I could survive as a teenager and am just now starting to see why. People are cruel but I want to let the students see that not everyone out there is perfect, that we all fall short of the glory of God, but that doesn't make us failures in His eyes. I want them to live the life Jesus died to give them the way He intended them to! 

Working with and loving on people going through addiction and other difficult trials. This one is newer...stay tuned because I'm still trying to figure this one out. I think it potentially came from growing up around my father's addictions...

My family and friends. (Especially my hubby!) You all encourage and inspire me. Thank you.

I have always known I am an emotional person. You are looking at the kid that cried every time her fish died...so mom took away the fish 'cause 10 fish dying in 2 weeks was too much for me. ( I cried myself to sleep every night...seriously sobbing...lol) Compassion and empathy are two things I have been told I am very good at. It may be hard to believe, but I promise it's true, when I see someone hurting or suffering, I hurt too. Sometimes I really hate this trait, but lately I have come to see it in a new light. It's a gift from God that not everyone possesses. Not sure how to use it yet...but I am going to refocus. The things that make my heart beat faster are my passions...those things that make me feel incredibly alive and close to God. Those are the things I need to refocus on because they make me who I am!

Thoughts on the post? What makes your heart beat faster?

I'm alive!

I'm figuring out that I really suck at these unless I put my mind to actually posting on a regular basis...novel concept...I will do better.

How's life you ask? Busy! So many things going on right now. So much hurt around me. So little I can do to help. I am frustrated to say the least.

Work is great! I still love my job and feel fairly confident that I am doing it well. Lately, I have been feeling like I can do more with myself. I know that's hard to explain...and it's actually quite hard for me to decipher right now, but I'm working on it with His help. I love social work but am starting to feel a strong pull toward the field of nursing. I am also a bit frustrated because I just spent $20 grand on a social work degree & licence that I will begin paying off Jan 1st. I have decided to try my hand at an Anatomy and Physiology class at JCCC this spring and I guess will take it from there? I have no idea where all of this came from but am frustrated 'cause God likes to throw my world upside down, especially when I feel like I am in control. A subtle reminder, I suppose. I have always loved the idea behind nursing but hate the idea of having to stick people...most of you know I have a serious destaine for being stuck myself...enough that I still have not gotten my TB test for work that was supposed to be done in August...oops.

To top it all off, during these hard economic times, Brian will be going back to school full time to finish his engineering degree. He has an estimated 2-3 years left...which makes me the bread winner for our humble family. I totally trust God on this one. To have Brian give up his full time job to go to school was a big stress on both of us, but God provided me with a good job that fits our needs. Unfortunately, Brian will have to still work part time, but I am trusting God on this one. My salary pays the bills...and that's really about it, lol! His job is going to pay for food...mmm food! I am really trying to be optimistic about this one and not let my planning nature get the best of me. (for those of you who don't know, ask me sometime about my life from age 11-18 and you will get a better sense of why I am so anal about finances and planning ahead).

AND :) We are going with Ben and Sarah Stears to help them plant a new church in Gardner! This is an issue that God placed on Brian and I's hearts like none other. I know God has great things in store for the Stears family and for this new plant and we are honored to have been called to be apart of it! More on this one soon to come!

One last thing. On top of all other prayer requests that are woven in here, I ask this one take priority. My mom and I have been talking for the past two weeks about job security and she is petrified she is going to loose her job soon due to the economy. She works as a corporate travel agent and has seniority within her agency (she has survived job cuts before, there is only one other person from her agency cuts a few years ago left!) and is the highest paid agent in the office with the highest efficiency level. Sounds safe right? Her fear is that she will be let go because she makes the most in the office. Only time will tell, but could you please pray for optimism and for her to trust God on this one? I know I am. I would also appreciate if these prayers be kept in confidence.

Thanks for listening and for prayers :) Glad you came back. I will do better blogging, I promise!

Vote!

This election is huge. Nothing more to say about it, really, because everyone else knows what I do. I find myself sitting and praying tonight about what's to come tomorrow. I know who I want to win, but that is not really my concern tonight. Tonight I pray for safety. Safety for those voting tomorrow and for the candidates. Working in the city really helps open my eyes to changing situations and, whether you want to hear it (or even notice), racism is alive and well within our city limits. I have talked to nearly half a dozen coworkers today and last week and my heart breaks for their families because they are afraid to vote. Carla, my prevention buddy :),  told me her mother was trying to advance vote on Friday when a car full of men screaming "N****** go home cause we're comin' back shootin!" sped past. Stuff like this makes my heart break.

Pray for safety tomorrow & please go out and exercise your God given right to vote!

Violated

There were other things I was going to talk about tonight but I needed to share. Our neighbors (BOTH apartments below us) were robbed today. One word, SCARY! Doors were broken via crowbar and material possessions lost but thankfully no one injured. Even though no one got into our home, they tried (there are scratches on our door). I really think hearing our small dog (who actually sounds really big) barking helped. Thank-you, Corkey! The neighbors across the hall, I think, were equally as lucky (they have a boxer and a boxer puppy). I really believe these people will be back. I am not worried about our material possessions, nor am I really worried someone would hurt us, I just feel violated right now. Not something you think about all the time when you live in JOCO. A sign of the times I suppose. 

Please pray for our neighbors as they go through this difficult time. One neighbor, a young woman in her early 20's at most, is so distraught she doesn't want to sleep in her apartment now since she lives alone. She came home and part of her door was actually missing. :(

Day Five. Home stretch!

SO much going on right now. GOD IS AWESOME!! :) I will write more tomorrow...I am sorry to say that I will be giving into weakness and having a smoothie (free coupon!) for breakfast. My body needs Vitamin C!!!

While I am sad I did not complete the full 7 days, I am proud of myself for at least the 5 and I feel guidance that this is the right path to choose!

Dreaming of deliciousness... :) 

Meals:

• Breakfast: Oatmeal 1/2C $.08
• Lunch: PB&J $.36, Orange $.11
• Snack: Popcorn $.07
• Dinner: $.38

Total: $1

Day four. Perseverance.

How I think my stomach feels...click and see ;) 

John 10...all I can really say is BAAAHH! :) I am Your sheep, Lord. Thank you for being my Shepherd. Sorry for wondering, as many of your sheep tend to do. Thank You for knowing me and for accepting me, flaws and all. Lord, as tomorrow closes our challenge, I pray that I could hear your voice clearly. That I would honor you and I ask that the things I share about this experience would be things You have asked me to share.

I have not given up. I really asked God what to do and I feel encouraged today and even a little better. I am starting to get used to this (finally)! My body is so used to being taken care of and I think I am upsetting it! I believe I have come to a happy medium. I will finish my challenge after five days. One week may be asking too much. That's my own body's weakness. I am still feeling drained but I have a renewed sense of encouragement. Thank you for all of your prayers. I cannot express how much they mean to me! I am still processing some good stuff..I may have to talk it out in person because my thoughts are all over the place right now. I think part of that may just be that I have been under nourished these few days. I have found that my thoughts are more clouded during this period which is difficult for me, as I am usually very articulate.

I have really become aware of how truly wasteful I am. I have discovered a few things that have been hiding in my fridge (as I open it and stare at all the food I cannot "afford") that I had forgotten were in there. As I turned on the garbage disposal to rid my fridge of old taco meat, old beans, and wild rice made a week ago I began to think about what I was doing. My body was crying out for food, and here I was throwing once perfectly good food away. I would have never thought twice a week ago about doing this. Yes, I am always sad to waste food...but oh my gosh. I then examined my pantry and began really looking at the items that have not moved in months ( I know you have some of those too) and I began to think of how good they looked. All I could say was "WOW". 

There are so many things I take for granted. There area so many blessings the Lord has bestowed and entrusted to me that I know I have just tossed on the shelf and forgotten about. There are a few things that God has really made strong in me, and a few of those have made the shelf list. My prayer, Lord, is that you would show me what I have carelessly tossed to the shelf. Please, Lord, help me not waste the beautiful gifts and talents You have blessed me with. I want to clean out the shelves and toss those old behaviors and habits that are not from You. Please, help me clear the junk and digest the good stuff you made for me. My body needs the nourishment only You can give. 

Meals:

• Breakfast: Oatmeal 1/2C $.08, Hot Coco $.11
• Lunch: Fluffer nutter sandwich $.32
• Snack: 1/2C popcorn $.07, 1 Tortilla $.08, KFC honey=Free (odd snack...hunger is a vicious beast! I ate what I could afford and sounded great...I now realize this sounds gross...but it was AMAZING!)
• Dinner: Ramen $.17 ( I did not have the intention of eating Ramen again but I needed something cheap so that I could afford my Orange. I needed the vitamin C) Saltines 5 $.04
• Dessert: Orange (small) .$12

TOTAL: $.99

Day three. Failure?

I feel terrible today. My body is even more exhausted than it has been and my head is pounding. I am not sure if my body is getting sick but I do not feel well. I cannot imagine how someone who ate like this all the time would feel or could feel like this on a regular basis. I think I will have to throw in the towel after today, as I became faint earlier this afternoon and was forced to eat a $.25 bag of chips. 

I feel even worse when I consider failure. I really believe this was a challenge for me to complete and cannot express how sad I am that I am unsure if I should complete the full 7 days. I have lost 4lbs since Sunday and Brian has expressed a little concern for my physical well being. I am really going to meditate on this one tonight. I need to distinguish my voice from His.

I cannot really remember the things I wanted to say here tonight and am going to bed early. It seems like all my body wants to do is sleep! 

Meals-

• Breakfast: Oatmeal 1/2C $.08, hot coco $.11
• Lunch: Fluffer nutter sandwich $.32, carrots (4 baby carrots) .$10
• Snack: Bag of chips (un-avoidable) $.25
• Dinner: Ramen $.17, Koolaid 8oz $.16 (needed to boost my blood sugar) 

Due to the bag of chips (their face value anyway) I went over today. $1.19

Day two. Weakness

"I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8:12

I love that verse. One of my faves. Today was tough on multiple levels. My body is physically and emotionally exhausted. On top of not eating well, I had to let yet another person know they are now HIV+. It has been happening more and more recently at the clinic and I cannot tell you how much my heart and spirit breaks for them when I am delivering the news. I wish I would never have to give people the news. I wish there were no virus to speak of. I think one of the hardest things for me is when people look at me and ask why they are being punished..or when there is that question "where was God in all of this?" I don't know the answer. It's hard for me to test people who are high risk (meaning they do everything under the sun including exposing themselves to the virus) but never test positive and then today have a client come in and tell me they were in to be tested for the first time (the client was 57 years old) because their partner was unfaithful. Happens all the time. All I can do is pray for them. I want to do more.

Today I felt extremely fatigued and have been sporting a small headache. It was difficult getting out of bed. I was painfully aware that I was hungry. I believe my body is starting to slow down because I have not given it the proper nutrition. Don't worry, I am monitoring my weight and taking a multi-vitamin while my diet is lacking. I have been thinking and worrying a little bit that I will  not be able to complete the entire week. I know I have another meeting tomorrow afternoon that has provided lunch. I am seriously considering eating! I abstained today during the potluck lunch with much will power. Dessert was ALL over the table in front of me and I think a few of my coworkers thought I had an eating disorder, since all I ate was a fluffer nutter sandwich. I caved and ate an oatmeal bar and 1/4 of a brownie. I needed the sugar. I was shaky! 

I was praising God despite my hunger and fatigue. I am SO blessed. To live day to day like this, I could never imagine.

Meals-

• Breakfast: 1/2C plain oatmeal $.06 (note to self: cook on stove not in microwave. Oatmeal in the microwave has a certain gelatin quality...gross but I ate it!)
• Lunch: Fluffer Nutter Sandwich $.32, homemade oatmeal bar $.04, 1/4 square of brownie $.10, turnover (cherry Pillsbury) $.15
• Dinner: 3 bean and rice burritos .$38
• Total: $.99

Day One. The calculator is a new body part...

Today is a new and beautiful day. I woke up with an incredible sense of purpose and sense of peace. I know that these next few days are going to really allow me to stretch and will require me to rely heavily on Him, as life should be. So often, as I stated before, I worry about how I am going to get through my day and accomplish the many things on my plate and so often I forget to thank the one who made it all possible. I forget to read my bible every night or every morning. Sometimes I even forget to pray! No more. This is not how I was meant to live and I know it. 

God, please, I really ask you to help me dig deep and come back to you. As my days become more flooded with responsibilities, may I turn to You and NEVER forget where You have lead me. My prayer is that I honor and glorify You during this fast. Draw me close. Help me hear Your voice and drown out all others, including my own. Keep me humble, Lord! ~Your adoring daughter.

Today's Meals-

• Breakfast- 1/4C dry cheerios $.12
• Lunch- Ichiban noodles (mom cooked them for me) $.11
• Snack- 10 saltine crackers $. 08, 2 tbsp peanut butter $. 17
• Dinner- Mac n' Cheese (multiple factors here) Ingredients: Craft box mix $.40, 2 tbsp milk$.03 (That was all I could afford, I used water as well) 2 tbsp butter $.04, Hot dog $.12
• Dessert- Free cookie in the bakery at Hen House. Stale, yet good!

Today was absolutely incredible mentally but definitely a struggle physically!  God really spoke to me today at church and through out my day, constantly reminding me and encouraging me to press on. I have not eaten all that much but right now, I can honestly say, I am satisfied. Not in the sense that I am full physically (far from it!) but full mentally. I feel like I have been on a spiritual fast for quite sometime; getting busy, getting lost in family and work obligations, exhausting my body more times that I would like to think about in the past month. But despite all that, I really feel God pulling me back. "Enough, child. Come back to me and rest!" I have been in constant conversation with Him all day and it has been AWESOME! I know I am only scratching the surface and I am ready for rest!

Physically I have eaten very little in comparison to what I usually eat. My body knows it has not yet gotten its fill for the day and has been telling me at various times by yelling (stomach rumbles) at me. I have thought about "cheating" and eating more than my budget at least 5 times today. I have abstained from Mom's homemade chocolate chip cookies, (which are rarely made anymore) I have abstained from an offer to go out to lunch, from the wonderful smell of coffee in the morning, and from a cinnamon bagel this morning. I was feeling hungry enough this afternoon that I could smell fast food that Brian could not even smell (odd, I know since I am really not a fan of fast food!) But through a difficult first day I had the support of my wonderful husband and my wonderful God! I look forward to tomorrows challenge! 

The thought I have really been chewing on today was of how truly blessed I am. Ben's message down in youth service really got to me and I wanted to share Sarah's thought, what I am thinking about. 

How many people know what it feels like to be satisfied? To be truly full and have eaten their fill, enough so that the feeling of hunger is completely gone? In the same sense, how many people know what it means to feel full spiritually? To never hunger or thirst for answers or for His loving arms? 

Getting ready.

I just wanted to start by thanking you all (especially Ben and Belinda) for reading and showing interest in the $1 challenge. I am SO encouraged that others are considering joining me and as I prepare to embark on this journey tomorrow, I know God has great plans for this little experiment :) I really hope you decide to challenge yourself and I encourage you to pray with me about it! 

I absolutely LOVE that today's devotional is out of John 6. SO APPROPRIATE! (If you couldn't guess, I am way excited for this next week!) If you are not familiar with this particular chapter, this is where Jesus feeds 5 thousand with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish and where Jesus declares He is the bread of life. There are way to many good versus and I don't have the time to type all of them out, but I really feel encouraged. A definite reminder that I will need to rely on Him during the next 7 days! 

OK! Down to the nitty gritty. If you want to do this with me, please feel free to make up your own guidelines if you do not agree with my own personal ones. 

1. Meals will add up to no more than $1 each day...a combined breakfast, lunch, and dinner total. I will do my best to not skip meals.
2. Any fresh produce I eat must be home grown (ie from either my own home or from someone in my family's garden) Veggies from the store do not count
3. Any "free food" must be universally available. No eating when a meal is provided or catered in to the Clinic where I work, no allowing myself to eat out on someone else's expense (ie if someone takes me out to dinner or something along those lines). "Free food" = free sauces, crackers from fast food places etc. Grocery store samples count at local grocery stores (SAMS does not count since they charge a membership fee) 
4. Everything counts! If I add honey to my oatmeal or something along those lines, Honey counts. Seasonings count into the final total as well as drinks. Koolaid is a good cheapie!
5. Ramen noodles are only to be used in case of an emergency. (if I have to, eat them once or twice during the 7 days) 
6. Math for eating: Bread purchased at $1.25 a loaf, 12 servings in a loaf, 24 slices. So 1.25/24=.052 so two slices of bread=$.10
7. I will do my best to be as diverse as possible in my cooking and eating patterns!

SO! Any questions? Ready to dive in? I am so excited! I was treating myself today in leu of the diet change. I ate yogurt and granola for breakfast, a bowl of cottage cheese, a diet dr. pepper and veggie sandwich for lunch (with skinny cow cheese! MMM), and for dinner...probably something out! Don't worry, dessert will be some fresh low fat fudge! Ben, I know you are already chuckling with my healthy food choices :) Sorry kids, that's how I roll and most people know it! 

No more for a week!!! AHH! This is really going to be a stretch! I will post tomorrow what I have eaten and all the juicy details! Here we go!

Blessings-

Mar

I have been in STL for the past two days, forgive me for not checking in! I will be posting my guidelines for the dollar meal challenge (see post below if you are unsure what I am talking about) in just a little while. I have to work today and do some outreach this afternoon but I promise to return and post! Give me a few hours :) 

Blessings :)

Mar

Living on $1

I wanted to start out by sharing a little of what I wrote this morning in my journal. I was reading John 3 and the following verse really stood out.  

"He must become greater. I must become less." John 3:30

My prayer today is just that, Lord, that I could make you greater and become less, more humble. I ask for your help surrendering myself so that you are all I rely on. So often I worry about how I can handle a situation or solve a problem or even answer questions about life. I find myself worrying about how I will be taken care of or how I can find a way to pay all our bills on time, when in reality, I should be thanking you for all I have and allowing you to provide as you always have! I ask for your help remembering that right now, there is just too much of me in life and not enough of YOU! I ask for your help in humbling myself before you today.  

Brian and I tried eating only modest portions of beans and rice today. The hope was that we could humble ourselves and remember that there are  820 MILLION people in the world who are chronically hungry; 820 MILLION people who are ALWAYS hungry and never receive enough to eat. I read a few months ago that nearly 60% (I believe) of the worlds population survives on rice or rice and beans alone. That's incredible when you really stop to think about it.

Today was hard, lol! Harder than I thought it would be at least. Especially since I am not a master chef and my pinto beans were a little under done (MMM crunchy!) To be 100% honest,  I kind of felt like I was not all in, maybe because I have tried this experinent before.  I spent most of my day in continuous prayer as I worked and then discovered this site. I really believe this was all God cause I don't even know how I got there in the first place!

So. My new mission is t0 try this for one week. Starting Sunday Oct 12, I am going to live off of $1  (food only....cause gas is booty expensive even now). I wish I could do this for the remaining 17 days, but I have to travel for work and they feed us and have already paid for food expenses. Like the previous experimentors, I will post what I ate and approximatly how much the portion costs (in relation to the price of the entire thing..ie 2tbsp peanut butter is like$.16) I think this could be an awesome experience. I wanted to challenge you as well. Do you think you could eat only $1 worth of food a day? By the grace of God, I am going to try and I hope you will consider it!

Fresh Meat.

It's been so long since I have blogged. I guess I will get started! 

I wanted to start a blog during our church's 21 days of change because it gives me a way to share what God had been doing in my life and also to help me be more open and honest with where I am at in life. I hope you will follow with me and leave lots of comments ;)

As I have just started, I will get back tomorrow with a more extensive entry. I got a late start and I would be up forever commenting! See you tomorrow!